Such a paradox, isn't it, isn't it?

I was going to eat some more of those cookies that Hannah had sent to me for my birthday, and I thought something about milk. So i got a glass and then ate the rest of the cookies. But, who the hell thought of the combination of milk and cookies? and why? Hardly any of the milk even stays on the cookie as you eat it. It drips all over the table as you're moving it towards your mouth. That's what she said. Or if you just dip the cookie and then move in to eat it, that's just inefficient. I'll probably still get milk if I have cookies to eat anyway, but really, dipping cookies in milk? Milks a beverage. Not a dip. That's a strange thing to think of sober.

Actually, that should have been the end. I have no reason to even be on the computer at the moment, but I'm too bored to do anything else. I'm barely even remembering the day.

Shit! Stephanie's going to Dylan's house on Saturday, so she might come over. and Lars was just bitching about having a get together thing before break ends, and it ends Monday, right? Yeah we'll go with that... So I'm thinking I should on Saturday. That gives me 4? 5? days to clean stuff up. I'll spend most of that time on the computer, hopefully. I'll ask my mom first. and now I've lost track of my phone... Unless it's on the coffee table... But I don't want to get up and get it... I think I won't invite as many people since I just don't want to deal with it. So if you read this before the next time you talk to me or something, then ask your parents if you can (KILL STEPHANIE) come over from maybe 2 to 8? or something? Maybe you should give me some idea of what the times should be... again...

Also, I'm doing nothing on New Years. Again. How exciting. They should sell sparklers around now so we can blow shit up.
Does anyone want to- never mind. It's on a... uhhh... tomorrow is New Years... Isn't it? I probably wouldn't have a ride anywhere... Fuck.

Well I basically want school to start up again. Except for that science thing with the blending fruit and extracting DNA and making a comic strip about it. That can go ahead and be canceled.
Why is Stephanie talking to me about drinking parties...

Why does it also take so long to get to questions for some people*points at Lars*? Like saying they have a question, then saying something else, then something else, then maybe something else, until I'm ready to punch them in the face so they'll ask the fucking question instead of talking about asking a question. Thank God it only happens sometimes...

Still.

Also another cool site is homestarrunner.

and by tomorrow, I meant today, just... later today...
In case you were confused by my last blog...

Wanna cuddle?

I do.

I don't know if I have anything else to say...
I might be going to a new years thing tomorrow at Lyndi's if Lars can get his mom to pick me up. It'd be cool if Sarah was online to see if she could go if Lars could get his mom to also pick her up. *coughcough* Apparently 'twas not to be...

Please know, I'll never run away without you in my arms

I'd put the whole song in there if I could. Well, I can, I just don't want a title that's a few paragraphs long.
I am so fucking happy right now. I mainly blame it on Sarah because she got on IM for once and I miss her quite. A. Bit. But I think I'm usually insanely happy when she is... I might have to ask Lars about that... He'd probably know.
Though if you looked through the window I'd look bored. Which I am, I'm bored. But I'm fine with that. I am perfectly fine with sitting here singing Hollywood Undead's most depressing songs, though they might not be the most depressing in the world, typing stuff in here... Just... hanging out...
There aren't a lot of things I say I love, I think. At least not a lot that I really mean it... http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ That is something I love. Every Sunday, I read people's secrets, or Saturday night. Though he hasn't updated it tonight.
I remember Lars saying he didn't like it when people overused a word like love. or something. I'll assume that it was because it diminished the meaning of the word, the power. If you love everything, what does that love really mean? Do you really mean you have a limitless amount of love that just goes around? You knew what I meant earlier, though... Anyway... if I love something, I really love it. Also kind of why I probably won't tell you I love you you're just a friend. With people, I'm going to mean it romantically.

Now I have to go through this and colour it all.

pound my knuckles hard against the floor, my head against the wall

During sixth period, I get sort of hyper or something. Or really bored. I don't know what happens. But there's a girl in there, Windy Witter. Throughout the whole year, or most of it so far, I have been a jerk to her. I have told her she smelled like mothballs, I've called her crazy, interrupted her talking quite a bit and at some point told her about my party and didn't invite her or something. But now feel pretty bad about it. So, Windy, I dedicate this to you, in apology. I really should be nicer to you, but honestly, I probably won't. It's too much fun. But know that I don't mean it. Really, like, none of it is meant seriously. Even if you'll probably never read this.

dancing in the desert, blowing up the sunshine

So, as a few of you know, my birthday is coming up. December 22nd. I'm pretty excited I guess. Every year my mom bugs me because I need to do somethinger other for it. So, of course, I have no idea what to do. She mentioned that she has strobe lights. Which makes me just want to hang out here and... listen to music... and flashing light. Or we could go to the Station for a while. But that's not all that special since we do that every once in a while anyway. So, I'm basically asking for ideas.
and you really don't need to get me a present, in fact, I support not doing so. As I will not tell you what I want, because there really isn't anything that I do want. and chances are, unless I was drugged, I did not get you a gift on your birthday, so you shouldn't get me one. Your presence and friendship are the only gifts I need. So you could just show up if I plan something, and that's enough. Really.
But then if I just have a bunch of friends over here, it's at my house, so I don't know what to do. I find the place pretty... boring. Oh my god! A slumber party! *is amazing* We could wear our favorite pajamas and gossip. and have a pillow fight. The last two sentences weren't serious. seriously. and I'd have to clean like mad... But yeah, ideas. Please.

Oh and Lars, I make my entries colorful because I like it. If the whole blog was just white font, wouldn't that be boring? It would. That's why I don't do that. and I'll sometimes color code complete thoughts or subjects. or just paragraphs.


and also: http://www.lyricsdownload.com/darude-sandstorm-lyrics.html those are the greatest lyrics ever.

The Game.

I'm a bitch aren't I?

Also, I got a phone.

Words of wisdom

"While being able to make spaghetti might not get you laid, NOT being able to make spaghetti will definitely not get you laid."
Says my sister, on making spaghetti.
Well guess what, I can make spaghetti. I'm not being definitely... not... laid... I guess...
Ummm...
So I just found her saying that really funny and so had to put it here.

Are we playing for keeps?

Three entries ago I wrote ballin' and I said it again another time recently. What the hell?

Today was the second time in recent whiles that I have hung out with people after school. It's fun. This time, after the initial weird came, the tired set in and we chilled on the couch. This was after Sarah left, and when everyone else wasn't as annoyed with Daniel as Lars and I were. So just sitting there on the couches, talking, about, stuff, was really fun. Talking, was really fun. Also, hitting Dianna with my fancy knife that got, was fun. Everyone eating with their fingers, and me all civilized eating with a fork and knife...
I'll probably forget what we talked about tomorrow. Hopefully not. I might have already forgotten...
Ummm...
Most of it...
Checkers... Lyndi's taste in guys... Daniel... then druggies and homophobes... then how we probably looked like druggies to the mass of people that suddenly appeared, just, chilling on the couch, singing Boulevard of Broken Dreams... and stuff... Some I'd rather not list... and it's not because I can't completely remember them.

I might get my sister's old phone soon. Because she doesn't need it and it's on my mom's plan. But the one I want(of the phones that I get to choose) doesn't have a camera.

Also, pert plus shampoo/conditioner two in one, and old spice body wash. I went shopping on the way home.

Scratch that.

Fuck.
The most upset I've been in a while. What made my day was getting cupcakes in the mail.
Made me regret a couple promises.
I think I'll take a shower tomorrow in the morning...

Cold company... dark shades of harmony....

You know what annoys me about this? I can barely say anything.
I never have anything to say, because I what I could or would say, I have said to someone else, and don't want to say it again.
I also have things to say, but I don't want certain people to hear or read or know of such things. and those people, read this.
Quite the predicament, yes?
That's part of the reason why this is so inactive. That and I just don't think about updating it.
Maybe I'll just end up talking to Lars. Or Savannah. More likely Lars...

Everything's been going pretty well, actually. I haven't wanted to hurt myself in a couple weeks or so, I haven't been really depressed in... well... a couple weeks or so... but before then, I haven't in a while.
I hope everything just gets better, and no where near worse.

I'll get drunk, get high, pull down my pants.

Oh Hollywood Undead... you entertain me.
So... umm.... what's up... Well....
Since last time I blogged, I asked out Sarah. and now am going out with Sarah. Which is pretty ballin'. I think that might actually be all I'm going to say about the subject then...
Um... Shit... There's nothing else, is there?
I want to go curl up on the floor in front of the heater and take a nap. But the heater isn't on. To compensate, I'm wearing my two jackets. I'm still pretty cold.
So there's this social networking site called MyYearbook, I used to have one before I went insane and deleted everything. Well, since I knew NO ONE who added me except Hannah and her friend, and Kelsea, I would go off on these rants to anyone unfortunate enough to think I'm worth sending a few worded message saying something like "hi how are you?" Give or take some punctuation, capitals, spelling, numbers, symbols, words, letters, grammar, any common sense, etc. Well, a few of these people decided to become my friend. I might not have ranted to them at their first message. Though one of them I probably did. She was cool. The other two, one was fine, the other was insane. She was absolutely obsessed with emo kids. Now, I find emo kids kind of attractive, she, however, had a freakin fetish. and so she had this fantasy of being an emo kid. SHe eventually dyed her hair, went shopping, and completed her "trasformation" and thus had her myspace, IM message, and probably whatever else she could find say "I'M EMO!" and such. of course in all caps. She bothered me. She eventually had to be off the computer for a month. I have not heard from her since. I'm sort of curious as to what happened, but I would rather keep this nice little... not hearing from eachother ever again thing. It's working out nicely for me. Lars asked if I thought she slit her wrists and bled out. I had not thought about that before.
c'mon let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always, kiss you, taste you, all night, always.
I'm really bored. so bored I'm quoting songs.
I lost the game.
I have nothing else to say...

even though I know what I'm lookin for, she's got a brick wall behind her door

*Kory sings along with song*
Mom:*jokingly* Who died and said you could sing?
Kory:*cheery* I did!
*but is actually hurt*
*is emo*
/wrist
That seriously happened. all of that is true, except the /wrist. That's false. So now I make a blog about it. Because I have an urge to talk about it. But I don't really want to tell anyone, because then I just feel like I'm saying "Oh my god this is what happened I'm so depressed and I'm emo and feel bad for me" although that's exactly what I'm doing here. I even wrote *is emo* in there... Well, I meant that I feel that's a bit emo since I recognize that it's a silly thing to be hurt over. But I am anyway. So yeah. Ummm...
I've had fun in the last week. I guess. It's been a normal week I guess. Oh well. I guess that's all.

and you'll never know what you mean to me

Love, or something like it.

Feeling a bit emo, are we? We are. Why is that? Because I want to make one comment about a certain girl, to another girl. Except the last time I talked to Another Girl she got mad the next day about the whole high school crush experience, you know, waiting around "Do they like me?" "Am I sure that I like them?" and such, that ol' drill. and I just fueled it. and she's the only one that knows, and the only one online. Oaky, so the other two that know, one wouldn't want to talk about it, or I wouldn't want to talk about it to her because I don't want to hurt her, and the other was offline. I tend to get jealous. I got a bit jealous. that's all I wanted to say. and now this. I signed off of everythign a few minutes ago. I didn't want to sit around and wait for Sarah to respond on Lars' site in between talking to Shane's hot friend from California, and I didn't want to really talk to anyone else. So apparently talking to no one works just as well. Ugh. One small thing gets me started ona blog, blog makes me think about it, thinking gets me a bit more upset. Only a bit though. When I'm crying is when you should be worried. This is just a "Fuck it all." time. Like, seriously, let's go fuck. Come on.

Cause I made you snort a line of my cum while I fucked you in the ass

So my sister is moving out soon. W00t? I get Kelly's room, so I don't have to be in one with Dusty and have it smell like... man. So that's cool. Then I can fuck girls without them having something else for sure on their mind=D That is if I were to fuck girls. As opposed to fucking guys. As also opposed to not fucking. Because I want to wait. Until like, marriage. or maybe just until I'm older. Depending on the person. If I would fuck you and we're not married, you're most likely very special to me. Even if I'm seriously thinking/planning on it. I don't give that out like candy. I give it out like... I don't know, trophies? Really massive gold trophies? I don't know. RIGHTO! Sister's moving out. So today we drove down to Everett, and then Bellingham, or something to go the Revenna house. Where she's moving into. Kelly also moved into there when she moved out. Of course she also moved back in... They moved there because it's owned by my grandparents, because they're rich or something. Well it's an easily acquired place to live, at least.
I would like a friend with benefits. They're fun. and not much emotional baggage. of course, I wouldn't have sex with them, as earlier stated. Just make out, and such. But this is also acheived with a girlfriend, and then i can love her. But that also comes with the risk of becoming self destructive over it again. Or something going wrong, and all that jazz. oh crap, gotta run up the stairs and take a shower.

Broken hearts parade

I've been doing just fine. I don't know what to blog about. I met these kids. and they give hugs like, obsessively, it's hilarious, loving, and overwhelming. It's only slightly annoying when I literally can't leave because I need to hug 3 people like, twice. and then have a group hug, and then hug them again. and then feel bad because I'm sitting on Kaylee's lap or something and then I'm sort of ignoring Sarah and Dianna, at least it seems that way, but I try not to. But they're really fun.
I'm convinced the English teacher hates Sarah and I. She thinks so too. Because we(at least I) don't pay much attention. I just sit there and talk to Sarah. Or make random comments under my breath to her, or poke her, or mess with her stuff. Plus I sort of said "fucking" kinda loud in the room. She probably doesn't think we have any respect for other people or something. or she doesn't hate us. I hope she doesn't realize that it's not the best idea to have us sitting right next to each other.
Also, I'm massively confused about Hannah. I still love her, but maybe I'm just not in love with her anymore.
I'm trusting that no one reads this anymore in order to say this.
I may or may not like someone. I just don't know. I know who, but not how exactly I feel about her. Yes, her. She's fun, she's cute, we get along, I believe. It could always just be what feels like a close friendship, too. I really have no idea. I don't think I'd want to even get in another relationship, not that we would either way... Because I might get too attached, and end up hurting myself, or her, or others... or something. or awkward. and yeah. I'm not sure. I don't know. Though I think I do want to like her...

Gimme your best shot

So I got on here with the intention of blogging. Unfortunately, I have since realized that I must attempt to contain everything that I would blog about a secret. Thus leaving me with almost nothing.
I went to Warped, it was really fun. and really hot. Fucking sun. My arms are all burnt. I went home with Hannah and have been here since. This is about where the blogging stops. I'd like to contain everything else to the people I've already told. Which is like, two. One of which I'm waiting to comment me back. On loosely the same subject.

I was born to tell you I love you

Been a while hasn't it? Then you should appreciate this just that much more. Let's just hope it was worth it. (it won't be)
At the moment, I am downloading both of Hawthorne Heights' albums. Fun fun. It's going less than 7 kb/s. and I'm listening to Secondhand Serenade. i really like their songs. It's nice. At least some of them.
So in the past few days, I have been driving a lot. Shopping, shopping, going to somewhere, somewhere else, I don't really remember.I just remember quite a bit of driving. The bad part about this is that by the time I find the drive sheet, I'll have forgotten everything. So come December, I might just fabricate some things. By then I'll have 50 hours anyway. If not, damn.
In these shopping trips, I got some shirts. I want to wash those shirts again, since I've worn them all already. I got two hoodies, two pairs of pants(one with a large crotch bulge that bothers me a lot), and a studded belt. Another trip, I got more shirts, the process of putting them away took not too long. It was me dumping them out in the top drawer. There's a large, large pile of clothes and the bag I brought to Satori(with the shampoo, soap and sunscreen still in it), and a clothes basket. The main reason there's a pile there. It just overflowed. A lot. I also got a bunch of stuff from the bathroom department. Shaving gel, shaving cream, body wash, TWO deodorants, chapstick, shampoo and conditioner(Dove, not Pantene this time) and body spray. I believe that's all. If I've forgotten anything, that just shows how much I got. Much more than normal.
I also have been to a guitar lesson. Ford's pretty cool. I still ended up saying a total of maybe one full sentence. Maybe two or three.
Okay so now I do kinda like more of Coldplay than just Viva la Vida.
I don't really have much else to say. Satori was really fun. I'm not going to talk about the random problems that I have with things again. I've talked about them with several people and I just don't want to.
Oh! I went to work with my mom, who does taxes, so really, there's no business at all. So all that really happens during summer is preparing for tax classes and preparing for tax season, and tax classes, and filing. I did filing. In the Prairie Creek office. it was a blast. Much like fishing. Inside. Without a pole. and no sleeping. and paper instead of fish. and then once you catch the "fish," you have to put it in a specific place according to it's relative size. or last name. So today, I went to the downtown Arlington office. I got an emo razor, and apparently the hardware store had a nice little handle for it. Very convenient. (something I've wondered: In cutting yourself with these razors, do you use the corner, or the whole blade?) and so I scraped paint(very thick paint) off of the window. Why was there paint on the window? I have no idea. I'm not asking questions. and then I got on a computer that actually had a tower connected to it(one of two, I got on the one that doesn't need a password) and discovered it had no sound. So I figured it was the same problem this one had a while ago. i tried to remember how Aaron fixed it, and it was by clicking on something in internet explorer and updating the system. So I tried doing that(there was only one thing that said anything about updating, doesn't leave a lot of room for error), didn't work. So i gave up and sat on Myspace and Facebook. and stuff. Then when Tracy got there with chocolate milk and bagels and trail mix, she showed me what needed filing, and so I started on that. I got about halfway through the alphabet on the diagnostics and then dad showed up halfway through me answering a message. Scared me. I jumped. So I put everything back and then we left.
So since I did all that, my mom is going to pay for a warped tour ticket for me. Yay!

That's all that's happened really.

Kiss and control, all of our, broken hearts

I realize I have not posted in months. I am now. Be happy my dear.
The school year went well after that. I didn't fail any classes. I got close with Japanese though. I got the credit though. I have two years of foreign language. That's enough. I didn't take third year. Which is good. because I wouldn't get in anyway. So now it's summer. I just know how all of you are dying to know how it went. I went camping at Lake Chelan. It wasn't burning fucking hot. Which is good. But it was warm. Which is good. I took my dad's cell phone so I could not go insane from going four days without talking to Hannah. Which would suck. Once, I called, she was watching a movie and being heavily distracted, so I thought I'd let her watch it and also save some of the battery, and actually talk to her later. So I said I'd call back later. When I did, she said she left a message on my dad's phone, apologizing because she thought she made me mad... She's no idea how hard that would be for her. Though I suppose it could be really easy. Well, that was last week. Yesterday, my dad got it. It took him a little under a week that he's had his phone back to find that message. So he told me that someone called, and she was apologizing. As he was telling me, I was saying "Yeah, I know. She told me" But he kept describing it and saying she was crying. SO I had to explain it in front of him, my mom, brother, and oldest sister. It's fine though. Because Dusty had not been home and not answering my mom's texts or calls, my mom was very upset by it. Then Tucker disappeared. This made her even more upset. She's not doing very well... She's doing better though. Right now she's at work. She didn't want me to come because she didn't want to leave the house empty....
Hannah is in Seattle. She's so close... I miss her so much.
The computer has been fixed. But there is no sound. So I have to download songs, put them on my zune, and play them in order to know what they are. So I have discovered I don't really like Coldplay all that much. They're alright, but no. Now I am downloading The Curse Of Kill Hannah, and Hope For The Hopeless. Kill Hannah's a pretty cool band.
Now to complain about my hair. I like the color, but, the flip thing, ever since Hannah said she doesn't normally like them that much, it's bothered me when it gets too out of control. Well, I didn't like it much when it was out of control. But the minimum amount of flip needed to be out of control has been lowered. I mean, the least it can do is flip on the other side too. But no, it won't. I need someone to cut it. Like Sarah. Or Hannah. Neither of them would want to destroy it...
I think this could be long enough. It probably is. Now to make it colorful.

As I have said before, very irregular blogs...
So Hannah decided to point out that the last one I did was in early May and that I should probably make more. So I'll try my best to make this not be complete torture.
So, in the last month, not really anything has happened.
Brandon went to Puerto Rico for a week, so I had lunch at main campus. I ate with Alex. Who, also ate with people. Including Colleen who is in my first period, and she listens to Kelsey and I talk about random stuff. Like inserting condoms into conversations just to make people wonder. and vampire babies. and he ate with Joey, a Japanese kid who has a name I can't spell because I don't actually remember it. Oh, and Ryan, Thomas(who is cool, but he smokes pot. But then he says good job to people who don't), Josh(he's funny, and he drinks), Keiko, and another Alex(who is a douche). The first Alex only really eats with the first bunch of people. The others just sit at the table that's connected to it. So I pretty much eat with all of them. But I more of listen to what they talk about. Because it's fun.ny. So when Brandon got back, we stayed at the Main campus for lunch.
Hmm... So that's the story of moving to Main Campus. Brandon went on vacation and I got lonely.
and that's where I stop.
*colors text*

Yes, baby, it is you

It's been a while, it has.
As I was going here, i was thinking about what I could write about. I noticed something while thinking about it. I'm not so much afraid anymore. It used to be fresh in my mind. This fear I had. So, I think I've gotten used to it. Either that or I've gotten over it. I know she's here to stay. I'm here to stay. I've brightened her life. I found that out today. I'm making her dreams of a better life come true. It'll be alright. We both plan on going to college. Her life is more put together than mine. At college, my plan stops. No major, no minor, no career, no real dreams. The only thing I really want at this point is Hannah. As long as that happens, I'll be fine. At least, that's how I envision it. I want us to be together for like, yeah, ever. and she already knows this, and she feels the same, so no, I am not being creepy. I'd do almost anything for her.
and now it's late, and i should leave.

I hurt myself, just to find my purpose

I used to keep all of this a secret. Afraid of hurting someone. Not so much anymore. It's not really a secret anymore. At least 6 or 7 people know. and that person is about as hurt as she's going to get. I believe. 6 or 7 of the people that really matter anyway.
So I got Twilight, it's a pretty good book so far. Which means chapter I think 15. Yes chapter 15. It's big though, so I don't bring it to school. I just read it at home.
I just know I'll be behind in math by tomorrow though. It's 7 and I haven't done anything.
I have my four best works done and in. So far I have all the requirements I can have to graduate. Except the credits and the community service.

I wonder how long this looks...
and about the content. Is it worth reading? probably not.

I remember nothign about my day. Almost nothing. i barely remember health, I don't remember what we did in first at all, if anything. second we read... Third math, 4th a thing in the computer lab, 5th was a worksheet and a cooking stuff gamerather, 6th we did somethign with... um, what was it... I can't remember what the lab was today.

The bus was all I really remember besides a few specific moments. Megan sat next to me and we talked about things. it was quite nice. Well, comparative to what she's usually doing, it was REALLY nice. It was calm, it was serious, it was about things I cared about too. (Sarah L, I actually can talk about my feelings in person without feeling strange. I found that cool)

I can't live, I can't breathe, unless you do this with me

So this week has been pretty cool, actually. Besides the WASL, it was fun. Every time we had first period it was somewhat fun. Every time we were in English, it was fun. In math I worked on a poster thing with Heather, so I actually talked to someone. In 4th, well, that was a lame class to begin with, but I had fun with Alex and Donald and Kelsey. So it was alright. 5th, was pretty sweet. We didn't have to take that test and instead are watching a movie, and I hung out with Lars and Sarah. Except not a whole lot of talking was going on, just movie-watching. and in 6th period it was alright. I talk to Brandon and Kaylee, and now I'm talking to Jessie in that class, cuz she's pretty cool. But her knee is gross.
I don't think I got nearly enough sleep though. If Hannah wasn't keeping me up late, she kept me up long enough to be kept up talking to Sarah, who seems to want me to stay up until midnight, because every time I leave, she disagrees with my decision. But then says goodnight.
I didn't find the WASL too hard. But I only had to take it two days. Which was cool. So the other days we talked about bullying and... something else... I'm not sure what it was. I think it was pretty much the same topic. But I found it to be actually pretty cool. it was really fantastical. Prater even brought donuts. and it was great.
I'm sure drivers ed would be more fun if there were people to talk to. Or if we could actually talk... But, today, I go for a drive. In snow.
We got more snow last night, than the other time. and I think even in winter...
I think Monday was my day of feeling extremely lonely and being anti-social. Yeah, I don't recall feeling that way during the WASL. I remember answering some survey in I think health, but it could have been on the internet, about something, and feeling lonely even when there are a lot of people around, I wasn't sure what the answer would have been, but now I know that that's true. So I want to know what it was for.

If you wish it, wish it now. If you wish it, wish it loud.

I feel like I haven't updated this in forever. Which I actually haven't. I find it kind of sad that I have like, 13 entries, and then Becca has 25 and Hannah has 30 something. I have around half of those. and I had this longer than half of the time they have. I think. Let's check. Oh. Hannah has 40. Since February. I've had this since March. and she has more than 3 times the amount I have. Anyway.
Since last time, I've gone to Emily's and Sarah's. Everyone who reads this already knows how awesome it was. Except Becca. It was really, really fun. I think it was also the first time I actually went out and did something on Spring Break. It definitely was my first concert though=)
Now I have no one else to miss really. I've seen Emily and Sarah recently. So Hannah is the only one left. Fuck. I really want to see her again.
I also have her to thank. Because of her profile song, I listened to Angels and Airwaves more, and now I'm listening to A Little's Enough. It's quite nice. It is meaningful.
What else am I doing...
I'm kind of scared. I know, I shouldn't be. It'll all be fine. But there's so much time for things to change and it's the same old reasons. You're completely right about everything, it's just hard to completely change my feelings about something like that. It's better though. I'm not terrified anymore. Just a bit scared. and worrisome.

His gravestone reads: "Don't Try".

I am really bored. I got up at 9 today, unlike most other days and weekends. But, like those weekends, I sat, and I thought. I dreamed. I didn't dream about a large variety of things, just different parts of the same basic idea. The same idea as always, it never gets old.It just gets better and better. As they get better, real life gets worse. It would be great to live in the dream world. It's the only Utopia that exists. This is, of course, because it only involves you, and your dreams, your desires and your fantasies, no one else. Everyone wants something else. Some want the person that you want. But you can't share this person, no. They're yours and only yours. Be it in real life or just in this dream. In someone else's dream, they're theirs. Sure reality would eventually fall apart, but that part is obvious and just cliche and I would hate to torture someone with reading it, so that is not the focus. It's that if you dream too much, you come to expect that from reality. Eventually the real world becomes so dismal and unsatisfying compared to your dreams, that you just can't take it anymore. Personally, I would like to just go insane and have hallucinations of people. or person. Just seeing them, even if they aren't real, would be good enough. If you become so tired of real life, you may try to sleep forever. Being put in a coma could be an option for this. or suicide. A poem by Charles Bukowski says "Some suicides are never recorded." Lettuce pickers in an unknown country, the factory workers slowly choking to death on the fumes they work in are mentioned. These are the people that suffer, they can take it without going mad or disappearing. Everyone has dreams and hopes. If these people seem to have shitty lives, then what gives us reason to complain just as much about something much less? We're used to what we have, what we have isn't going to be what we want all the time, these people are used to what they have, we aren't used to what they have. But maybe they aren't used to what they have, maybe their hopes and dreams are much higher, those are the insanities and suicides that aren't recorded.
suicide and love songs. great.

let me be your hero

I used to think that I would update this a lot. After all, what else do I have to do? Nothing. I sit on here all day. Which, apparently makes for very lame and therefore irregular blogs. So Hannah gave me that creative writing prompt thing and I'm using one. What else would I write? About my day? I went driving. most exciting part of it. I can't blog about Hannah. Yes, I really, really love her, but I'm not like her in the sense that I can't make an entire blog about it. Even a short one. I'd have no idea where to begin. She says I have some way with words and make her smile and happy and everything, but really, I have NO idea what I'm doing. I usually just write random stuff. But random stuff doesn't mean lies. Just random facts. I think this is the first time I publicly said I love her. This is to say, I'm not over her. This is why, Sarah, I say it's impossible to love her more than I. Because that would be saying you want to be with her. Which I'm sure you don't actually want. I, on the other hand, do. A lot. I would say more than anything else. Because that's basically what it is. I would rather be with her than have anything else. I've expressed my feelings and worries and all that good stuff to her, so I don't see the reason to write about it. Yet I just did. So I might as well stop. or continue if I can. Which I can't. I have nothing else.

I love you more than anything else. Anything.

You know who you are*insane smiley face*
On with the blog: You know what is the dumbest thing ever? Exactly! You don't! Because you don't know what could be stupider than something, so you don't know anything stupider, so you can't provide evidence that there is indeed nothing stupider.
Something that is stupid though, is registration! We went to the computer lab 2nd period to sign up for classes. Guess the fuck what? Culinary arts was taken(The last spot was probably filled by Bailey literally less than five minutes before). Guitar was taken. So now I have Computer programming/Game Design. and a year of PE. At least I won't have to take that after next year. I should have some classes with Michael, and one with Lars, Michael AND Sarah. That should be rad.
Sarah actually bought a pink frilly apron for me to wear in Culinary Arts(which I cannot stress enough, was taken, and that fucking sucks). So I can't wear it. She said she's going to make me wear it in English>.<
So today, in Japanese, I left at one to get this weird test thing done for my eyes, I'm not sure if I did it right. Oh well. But, before, I went there, and the DOL didn't send a rep because they forgot, so I had to go back to class and come back about 20 minutes later. So I went back to class and Lars took my seat so Sarah made me sit between them. Then Sensei busted us for listening to music(which I do EVERY SINGLE DAY.) and so then i had to sit in an actual seat. I got my Zune at the end of class. So it's all good.
So, then on the bus, I didn't sit inthe back seat, like I usually do. Instead I was a few seats forward. I just sat there, I didn't move much. Megan and Robert were like, fighting, but not real fighting, just, stuff. She bit him and smacked him a lot. I don't exactly know what they were doing. Besides that, I just sat there and thought. About stuff. They were nice thoughts though.
When I got home, I found that I was locked outside. Erin was there, so when the back door was locked, and all the windows were too, I used her cell phone and called Kristen, who called dad, who eventually came home. I did some Drivers Ed stuff. I get my permit on Friday!
I'm working on that paper a bit more. A bit more information in there. Some things that I left out of it because I did NOT want to read it to anyone. Lovey-dovey sad and lonely stick you stupid slogan here.
There's something to read, baby.

We're still so young, desperate for attention

What do I carry? What means the most to me? Next to nothing. I'm not attached to anything really. I take my coat everywhere. It keeps me somewhat warm and it keeps me comfortable with myself. All through elementary school, I had a big blue coat that I would not take off. Ever. 80 degree weather? I might just take it off during class, but not outside. Those were the days. I guess I still wear this coat probably for the same unconscious reason. I just feel strange not wearing one. I carry my Zune everywhere. It is not connected to me directly, but the music is, which isn't exactly anything special, but it is to me. When I'm listening to it and I don't know what to do with my hands, I loosely hold the headphone cord at my side. This helps me deal with feeling weird as well as the coat. The coat however, takes care of more than just my hand, if I'm really worrying about my hair, I can put on the hood. This helps when bees around too, or when it's really cold. The hood and the rest are a bit thin though. The one I wore through elementary was a thicker one, but, one summer I lost it. My mom found it outside with grass growing on it, that wasn't that great. That's about all I carry with me everywhere.

It may be the things that I don't carry though, that define me the most. I don't have a cell phone. I'm not dependent on a machine to live my life. That, and my mom won't get me one. I don't carry a shit load of things from times in my life. Maybe I don't recognize that I should get a souvenir at the time. Maybe I think I can remember it later, which is obviously not going to happen. Which is kind of sad. I don't carry much besides clothes and maybe a few random things in my pockets. What could I possibly need? A knife? Nope. Extra clothes? If I get dirty, I'll still wear the ones I'm wearing. I can't even think of any more random things that I could carry around to shoot down the idea of carrying them. Life hits you, enjoy it while you can. Don't waste it preparing. I guess I learning nothing in Boy Scouts. I spent most of my time messing around with Tory, Garret, and Nathan. I still don't focus a whole lot. Grades can be something I carry for that one. Friends are more fun anyway. I never even got all(or half, for that matter) of the requirements to move up to the first rank of Tenderfoot. I just wanted to have fun, not hike mountains. I still have an instructional booklet on how to get the fishing badge from their library. I still haven't used it. I had other priorities. So it just didn't work. Just like soccer. I wanted to watch Saturday morning cartoons more than play the game. I probably should have played the game.

As for the intangible things, I still don't carry much. I carry memories. Memories of even better days. Strangely, I don't remember much, just random parts of conversations. Promises, feelings, eating frosting while talking about eating healthy. I remember feeling terrible after making her upset by doing that. I still kinda do. Not as much, but I do. I remember the day I spent with her. I miss that day. I miss her. I also remember coming back from her house and Bailey flipping out because they put eyeliner on me. That was funny. I remember stealing her bracelets at camp, and then giving them back when she woke me up the next day, even though she wasn't there for them. That day was also fun. That week was fun. I remember more of her than a girl I was supposedly "going out" with at the time. I also felt more for her. I carry my love for this girl. It's never left. It has gotten lighter at one point, but never left. I have nothing to remember her by except for herself. It's hard to forget someone that you talk to all the time. I should have something soon though. The only trouble with that is explaining why I have bracelets. They could be explained by saying I got them from a friend, an ex, or a girl I just love. Only one sounds plausible. I have no idea how certain people would react to it all. The worst reaction is assumed the most likely. This is connected to the fears I carry. I don't want to lose any friends, or even one friend. I fear the ends of things, like friendships, life, and love. This girl I mentioned, I fear her getting over me. Though, this is really common in certain situations. The odd part, is that I fear I might get over her. That is the last thing I want to happen. I want to miss her so much it hurts and love her so much I cry. I have. The end of life is another listed fear. I can barely stand thinking in depth about death, it takes my sleep away. If there isn't anything after life, then what's the point of even living? Life should have a purpose, and if I'm living just to rot in the ground, then why not just get it over with? Life without purpose is like a light bulb without power. What does it do? Nothing. It just sits in it's socket, giving no light, so everyone else is left fumbling around in the dark, tripping over cords and running into walls. Just replace the light bulb though and the problem is fixed. What happens to light after it's replaced, it goes in the trash, its non-purpose served. Most of my fears end in death. Falling from heights, drowning, etc... This isn't really anything special, most people are like that. But, it is me. It is what I carry. Life. Life is what I carry everywhere. It's one of those things that mean so much to me, like friends. If I could carry my friends in my pocket, I so totally would. No matter how dirty this sounds, It'd be great to just pull someone out and go "Check it, fool! It's Michael!" It sounds fun to me anyway. It may just sound fucked up. But whatever, fucked up is fun.

Those are the things that matter most to me. Those are the things that I carry.

• What was your favorite part about this peice?
• Least favorite or most confusing part?
• What is working well?
• What needs improvement?
• What is your favorite effect or literary device used?
• Is the piece focused and clear?
• In each paragraph, verse, or sentence doing "real work?"
• Does the theme or topic evolve, or is it stagnant?
• Do you feel let down?(the paper didn't live up to your expectations?)
• do you feel like the piece is finished, or does it need more?
• What is your favorite line of the piece?

Please answer those. Peer edit me.

You had me at hello

So this girl told me to write a blog. So I guess I am.
About... I don't know. I didn't do anythign today. I just wrote a paper, and typing it up, does not sound fun. It's not finished yet either.
Sarah said that she loves Hannah more than I do.*coughs so hard blood comes out* yeah right, Sarah.
I start Drivers Ed on Monday. In the morning. I'm going to be at Kaylee's house by 5:50! To get a ride to school. For like, two months. Oh well. It could be fun. Not really. It's gonna suck.
Spring break. Two weeks from now. Concert. MCR. Going. To. Rock.
I'm stoked.
and we don't have milk. This saddens me. I want somethign to drink. I had water earlier, but it was not enough to quench my thirst.

God damn those dogs bark a lot. Dante was non-stop barking at something, Tucker just sits there in front of his food bowl growling at nothing. and then DOESN"T EAT.

We die when love is dead, it's killing me

I am supremely bored, and eating candy. I had two cans of Mountain Dew. I wish there were people here to hang with. it would be fun. I might take some pictures of me soon. Might. I need to update this more often. i just don't have anything new to write about ever.
So Today was Stephanie's last day. So Bailey was all sad and stuff. I gave her a hug before I got on the bus.
So in first period we were in groups. I was with Iris and Holly. Iris is abusive. Other than that, there was not much talking at all.
In second period we had a test. I talked to Michael about classes and such.
Third period I turned in TWO assignments! Be proud of me.
Skip fourth period and lunch.
and to fifth period, which was more eventful. We had to write letters to the exchange students who were leaving. I didn't raise my hand to write a letter, so I didn't have to write one. I just sat with Lars and Sarah and talked. Sarah was the only one supposed to write one. So I started pretending to write one with scissors. Lars was apparently bothered because it wasn't anything close to a pen shape, and put it out of reach. On the paper I had, it eventually ended up saying "Hi Sarah. I'm bored. I hope you had fun in America" It was cool. and earlier, we were hanging out before class, and talking about classes. and I wanted to take Intro Culinary Arts. Sarah took my master schedule(which I got back) and looked at it. She made a comment about me going into Pre-Calc. and Culinary Arts... she said that she should get me an apron that's pink and lacey. I suggested a lacey black so it would match her tie. She said "Because God-forbid something doesn't match" I said "Of course not, my cake wouldn't turn out right" and Lars made some comment about how he thinks it's likely that I'm gay. he even gave reasons. I don't deny it when someone asks about Michael and I, I cross my legs a lot, and stuff.
In 6th we found out that Matt sucks. Because he measured the tape wrong(it was NOT one meter) and so our data was all wrong. That was funny.
and now, Culinary Arts, I discovered, is a year long. I need a one semester class to take. Guitar or another PE class(and then be done with PE credits). I can take Guitar outside of school though. My mom was also talking about how I can take classes online. and that would be perfect. I'm on the computer all the time anyway. I still need to see my counselor.

Bring me up and tear me down.

These are the poems I wrote for English late last year. They are included in list of four best works. I only have three so far though.

What is wrong with me
I can't leave all this behind
I wish that I could
It comes back everyday now
Haunting me with it's shadows.


It's not finished yet
He's putting it together
Please wait for the end
As long I still want her
I will say I am sorry


The thought's clouding his mind
the moon eclipsed the sun

The memory slowly faded
A rock sinking in the ocean

the anger burnt inside him
a pitcher starts to overflow

(those were just exercises earlier and I don't like them as much.)


It's too much to take
It will all be gone soon now
I want you to stay


When it all come down
I will still be here for you
I will always care


The darkness consumes
en wraps all in its cold hand
separating all


So where are you now
I hope you're in pain right now
Yet I want you glad
Happy happy happiness
be glad because I love you
(last two lines courtesy of Bailey, marked red)


What would you say if
i told you my feelings for you
If only you knew
I wish I could tell you that
I love you but I am scared
Please don't be afraid
Just tell me how you really feel
We can be happy
Because I will tell you too,
I feel the same about you.



I feel horrible
I can't bring myself to ask
I'm just not able
It's not a hard task
Just a few words and it's done
I can't take this mask
I'm not having fun
What the hell is wrong with me
shoot me with a gun
I do, believe me
I guess I'm just a coward
Fill me up with glee
Just push me forward
I'm so close to telling you
I'm going toward
my dreams that involve just you
Just please tell me what to do

Kory-
Nicely done! I like it; you poems are so conflicting sounding -- is it real, or just a tone you're taking on?


I got 50/50 on this.

when I loose myself I think of you

I'm listening to Tokio Hotel. he has rad hair.

I'm pissed off now because I have to restart this whole fucking thing. Fuck.

Now, in English, he asked us to put whatever we had in our backpacks/pockets/whatever on the desk. Except random crap like papers. He then told us to put some things that a lot of people had away. Cell phones first. iPods next. Pencils. That was all it took to empty my desk. What was left was supposedly the unique things that we had that we carried with us and meant something. I had nothing. Nothing special, nothing unique. If I die, I leave nothing behind. Just a body, backpack, Zune, other junk. Nothing. Memories are what I treasure, and I don't have many. People are who I treasure. But I'm not emotionally attached to any object. Nothing has a story. The Zune has a story of my mom not trusting someone[she seems to not like to trust certain things a lot, but that is not something I'd like to get into in a public blog]. I want something of mine to be a part of me, of who I am. I fit into the crowd, it's where I'm most comfortable, and the place that sickens me the most. I don't want to stand out and be ridiculed, but I don't want to be a faceless object floating through life. Which is what I am. A masked man in a faceless crowd. and it's not even a cool mask. I don't know what it would take to get me attached to an object though.

. i miss you so much.

. i'm sorry. For everything. For every time I annoy you, for every time I make you mad, for every time I disappoint you, for every time I hurt you, for every time I don't say sorry, for every time I lie, for every time that I don't listen, for every time I wouldn't/won't let go, for every time I creep you out, for every time that I don't care, for every time I say the wrong thing, for every time I make you sad, for every time that I seem so distant, for every time I don't tell you what's wrong, for every second that I hate you, for every minute that want you dead, for every hour that want you to leave, for every day that I regret, for every year that I waste, for every time that I don't say, that I love you. That goes for everyone.

I'm sorry. I felt like doing that.


The God of the New World by *behindinfinity on deviantART
See Elizabeth? I have wings.

Hear the whispers in the dark

This is my paper. That we wrote about anything on. and his comment.


I'll write about how lame I am. I spend a lot of time filling bulletins. Don't know why, it's just fun to answer questions that you don't have a to take seriously at all. But, I absolutely love when I'm not in the happiest mood and answer a question with death [or some other weird thing]. "How do you feel about life?" and answer with "It's a fucking circle. Theres not much point. Learn so you can grow up, grow up so you can work, work so you can live, live so you can die. and by live, I mean make money, have good health, just be alive. I all goes around, nobody ever wins." Something like that. It's not like I'm always trying to do this, most of the time it just happens.
Could they be any more obvious? Lyndi's phone is fucking loud. Out of the corner of my eye I [saw] Bailey just turn and completely change how she was sitting. Do they think that no one notices? or do they just not give a shit? I have watching people text, and try so hard to hide it they make it obvious. and then the teacher doesn't notice! What is up with that!? Now my mood's ruined. Whatever. Not like it was that great in the first place. Why should I even care? I am trying to get over her just now. She's starting to bother me. I said I was done not too long ago. I wanted to know how she felt about me. Now, I just don't give a flying fuck. If she liked me, she can let me know. She hasn't, so she obviously doesn't. I actually hope we have to turn this in. It'd be great for one more person to know. This is why I don't always look happy anymore, one of the reasons at least.

Kory - Don't worry about girls, they're confusing. Live straight-up and you'll eventually meet someone else who's straight-up. P.S. I know they text, but sometimes I've gotta pick my battles.

The city is at war

So today is Tuesday. Yes. It is 6:20 as I start writing it. It'll be done in a few hours when I talk about more stuff as I remember it, and as it comes in. Like a news report. A few hours late, and then even later because you don't check it when it does appear. But it's not like a life or death thing. I have to do homework. Crap.
I need to hack Hannah's account and change her name to Elizabeth on IM. She's getting her binder to tell me what she does in Life Skills. Which sounds like a really weird class.
I was watching Battlestar Galactica. I like that show.
This morning was WASL again. That seemed FOREVER. Seriously. I sat there trying to sleep for like 2 hours and hoping that the clock was an hour behind again. It wasn't... It sucked.
So we went to 4th period after that. We watched a movie.
I forgot lunch. I ate with Michael and Lars and Sarah and some other kids.Fun time though.
5th period was Japanese. Long time in Japanese too. We are writing a letter to the future exchange students. About ourselves. That was a long time...
6th period we did some race thing, data recording. Pretty boring.
On the bus ride home, I talked to Kasandra, Kaylee and Nancy the entire time pretty much.
I'm wearing a pink shirt again, it's pretty cool.
Elizabeth wanted to know what I was like before Satori. I actually don't know how to answer it. Michael says that I cared more before. I'm not completely sure how this is.
I just checked my grades, NOT GOOD. One D, one F, and one C-. The other two are A's though.

Fuck me now, rip me off later.

Is it weird that I don't feel like the person in that picture is me?
So this is the third day in a row that I have regularly posted.
about nothing.
So today was WASL. It was pretty fricken sweet. I didn't bring a book to read, so after I finished, I sat there and tried to sleep. She started talking about something, and then I realized I was awake and shouldn't ignore everything quieter than a heartbeat. So um, that was fun. I was a little tired for a bit.
In first period, we had to research in class, we didn't get much done actually. We made dirty jokes though. Those are fun. THat was fun.
In first period, we sat around and talked. We went about the class and said who we are. Because of the autobiography thing we're going to do. and: Bailey talked to me. She told me to get some scissors, and a really weird joke. So I think I have reason to believe she's over last week. We didn't get those papers back though.
Third period was pretty boring. I did work though. I am almost done with that worksheet. Of course I still have to do the other assignments. Crap.
Now I'm off to play a game. and this includes a picture:

I'd give you my heart, and let you just hold it.

So I woke up this morning at what I believed to be 11. I am confused as to what time it actually is. Computer says it's two. IM says it's one. Elizabeth says it's one. Myspace says one. Okay so it's about to turn into three. So one=two, and two=three. Daylight savings sucks. and now I think it's going to be bright in the morning. Great. Suckzorz.
Anyway..... I took a shower this morning. So I'm clean. My hair looks funny though. I can't really tell since I can only look at it in this picture behind the computer. and it doesn't offer much detail. and it accentuates the darkness of my eyebrows. Which isn't good. Because I'm already self conscious about that and I don't want a picture agreeing with me. Or the reflection of me in the picture glass.
I need more shampoo and conditioner. I ran out of it. and so I used Kirkland Signature brand.
There is no lemon juice. I want lemon juice. Makes lemonade. I want some lemonade. It tastes good.
I think I'm in a good mood today. So far. But there isn't aything to do again. So I'll sit around doing surveys. You'd think they'd run out after a while, but they keep getting new ones around.
I've got a burning in my chest that's calling for your thighs.
I have nothing else to write.
Goodbye.

While coming back from the dead

So I have a blog now. Just because that one kid told me to. So I do.
So today, I sat in bed for a few hours, thinking, about things, that concern me, and that I like. Then got up at like, 11:30 or so. I didn't take a shower. So my mom said I smelled bad. She's so nice. A few hours later I Laid down in front of the heater for around a half hour or so. I think. But I got up, was really tired and really hot, so I laid on the couch with the cat. She left after a while. back onto the computer... then I opened this window, to set up this blog. I asked some people for ideas for a title, and a url, they may have been better than what they are, but whatever, I didn't use them. This tab was open for a long time.
There is cake on the stove. It's wrapped in tinfoil. It was pretty good.
I hate that I know that certain people will read this. So I have to edit things out. I don't think I can just, say these things without thinking about it. They may be the wrong things to say.
Emily is calling me Korilicious.
Elizabeth is looking at porn. I find this funny.
I have an eraser burn on the back of my hand. I find myself every once in a while touching it. It hurts. I don't stop.
I found a red knife this morning. I think it was red. I couldn't tell, it was dark. Or I just don't remember. It was one of those utility ones. Only one of the blades was really sharp. It seemed like you could stab someone with it.
Postsecret has new secrets.
The health teacher doesn't like hot talk, the talk that gets you even madder, or sadder. I kinda like it. Don't make me a zombie.
I like the song Deaf Ears. By The Hourly Radio. I like his voice. and how he uses it too.
I guess I'll end this. I want to end it with something cryptic. I want to end it with something that might be the last line in an episode and you're like "Whoa." or at the end of a movie, and you're left with one final line. Or like in Fight Club "Tyler, I want you to listen to me" "okay" "My eyes are open" and then he shoots himself. somethign liek that. To jsut put an odd note to it. Like, a defining line in the blog. I want that. Talking about things I want, I want to be somewhere else. You know where.