We're still so young, desperate for attention

What do I carry? What means the most to me? Next to nothing. I'm not attached to anything really. I take my coat everywhere. It keeps me somewhat warm and it keeps me comfortable with myself. All through elementary school, I had a big blue coat that I would not take off. Ever. 80 degree weather? I might just take it off during class, but not outside. Those were the days. I guess I still wear this coat probably for the same unconscious reason. I just feel strange not wearing one. I carry my Zune everywhere. It is not connected to me directly, but the music is, which isn't exactly anything special, but it is to me. When I'm listening to it and I don't know what to do with my hands, I loosely hold the headphone cord at my side. This helps me deal with feeling weird as well as the coat. The coat however, takes care of more than just my hand, if I'm really worrying about my hair, I can put on the hood. This helps when bees around too, or when it's really cold. The hood and the rest are a bit thin though. The one I wore through elementary was a thicker one, but, one summer I lost it. My mom found it outside with grass growing on it, that wasn't that great. That's about all I carry with me everywhere.

It may be the things that I don't carry though, that define me the most. I don't have a cell phone. I'm not dependent on a machine to live my life. That, and my mom won't get me one. I don't carry a shit load of things from times in my life. Maybe I don't recognize that I should get a souvenir at the time. Maybe I think I can remember it later, which is obviously not going to happen. Which is kind of sad. I don't carry much besides clothes and maybe a few random things in my pockets. What could I possibly need? A knife? Nope. Extra clothes? If I get dirty, I'll still wear the ones I'm wearing. I can't even think of any more random things that I could carry around to shoot down the idea of carrying them. Life hits you, enjoy it while you can. Don't waste it preparing. I guess I learning nothing in Boy Scouts. I spent most of my time messing around with Tory, Garret, and Nathan. I still don't focus a whole lot. Grades can be something I carry for that one. Friends are more fun anyway. I never even got all(or half, for that matter) of the requirements to move up to the first rank of Tenderfoot. I just wanted to have fun, not hike mountains. I still have an instructional booklet on how to get the fishing badge from their library. I still haven't used it. I had other priorities. So it just didn't work. Just like soccer. I wanted to watch Saturday morning cartoons more than play the game. I probably should have played the game.

As for the intangible things, I still don't carry much. I carry memories. Memories of even better days. Strangely, I don't remember much, just random parts of conversations. Promises, feelings, eating frosting while talking about eating healthy. I remember feeling terrible after making her upset by doing that. I still kinda do. Not as much, but I do. I remember the day I spent with her. I miss that day. I miss her. I also remember coming back from her house and Bailey flipping out because they put eyeliner on me. That was funny. I remember stealing her bracelets at camp, and then giving them back when she woke me up the next day, even though she wasn't there for them. That day was also fun. That week was fun. I remember more of her than a girl I was supposedly "going out" with at the time. I also felt more for her. I carry my love for this girl. It's never left. It has gotten lighter at one point, but never left. I have nothing to remember her by except for herself. It's hard to forget someone that you talk to all the time. I should have something soon though. The only trouble with that is explaining why I have bracelets. They could be explained by saying I got them from a friend, an ex, or a girl I just love. Only one sounds plausible. I have no idea how certain people would react to it all. The worst reaction is assumed the most likely. This is connected to the fears I carry. I don't want to lose any friends, or even one friend. I fear the ends of things, like friendships, life, and love. This girl I mentioned, I fear her getting over me. Though, this is really common in certain situations. The odd part, is that I fear I might get over her. That is the last thing I want to happen. I want to miss her so much it hurts and love her so much I cry. I have. The end of life is another listed fear. I can barely stand thinking in depth about death, it takes my sleep away. If there isn't anything after life, then what's the point of even living? Life should have a purpose, and if I'm living just to rot in the ground, then why not just get it over with? Life without purpose is like a light bulb without power. What does it do? Nothing. It just sits in it's socket, giving no light, so everyone else is left fumbling around in the dark, tripping over cords and running into walls. Just replace the light bulb though and the problem is fixed. What happens to light after it's replaced, it goes in the trash, its non-purpose served. Most of my fears end in death. Falling from heights, drowning, etc... This isn't really anything special, most people are like that. But, it is me. It is what I carry. Life. Life is what I carry everywhere. It's one of those things that mean so much to me, like friends. If I could carry my friends in my pocket, I so totally would. No matter how dirty this sounds, It'd be great to just pull someone out and go "Check it, fool! It's Michael!" It sounds fun to me anyway. It may just sound fucked up. But whatever, fucked up is fun.

Those are the things that matter most to me. Those are the things that I carry.

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Please answer those. Peer edit me.