We're still so young, desperate for attention

What do I carry? What means the most to me? Next to nothing. I'm not attached to anything really. I take my coat everywhere. It keeps me somewhat warm and it keeps me comfortable with myself. All through elementary school, I had a big blue coat that I would not take off. Ever. 80 degree weather? I might just take it off during class, but not outside. Those were the days. I guess I still wear this coat probably for the same unconscious reason. I just feel strange not wearing one. I carry my Zune everywhere. It is not connected to me directly, but the music is, which isn't exactly anything special, but it is to me. When I'm listening to it and I don't know what to do with my hands, I loosely hold the headphone cord at my side. This helps me deal with feeling weird as well as the coat. The coat however, takes care of more than just my hand, if I'm really worrying about my hair, I can put on the hood. This helps when bees around too, or when it's really cold. The hood and the rest are a bit thin though. The one I wore through elementary was a thicker one, but, one summer I lost it. My mom found it outside with grass growing on it, that wasn't that great. That's about all I carry with me everywhere.

It may be the things that I don't carry though, that define me the most. I don't have a cell phone. I'm not dependent on a machine to live my life. That, and my mom won't get me one. I don't carry a shit load of things from times in my life. Maybe I don't recognize that I should get a souvenir at the time. Maybe I think I can remember it later, which is obviously not going to happen. Which is kind of sad. I don't carry much besides clothes and maybe a few random things in my pockets. What could I possibly need? A knife? Nope. Extra clothes? If I get dirty, I'll still wear the ones I'm wearing. I can't even think of any more random things that I could carry around to shoot down the idea of carrying them. Life hits you, enjoy it while you can. Don't waste it preparing. I guess I learning nothing in Boy Scouts. I spent most of my time messing around with Tory, Garret, and Nathan. I still don't focus a whole lot. Grades can be something I carry for that one. Friends are more fun anyway. I never even got all(or half, for that matter) of the requirements to move up to the first rank of Tenderfoot. I just wanted to have fun, not hike mountains. I still have an instructional booklet on how to get the fishing badge from their library. I still haven't used it. I had other priorities. So it just didn't work. Just like soccer. I wanted to watch Saturday morning cartoons more than play the game. I probably should have played the game.

As for the intangible things, I still don't carry much. I carry memories. Memories of even better days. Strangely, I don't remember much, just random parts of conversations. Promises, feelings, eating frosting while talking about eating healthy. I remember feeling terrible after making her upset by doing that. I still kinda do. Not as much, but I do. I remember the day I spent with her. I miss that day. I miss her. I also remember coming back from her house and Bailey flipping out because they put eyeliner on me. That was funny. I remember stealing her bracelets at camp, and then giving them back when she woke me up the next day, even though she wasn't there for them. That day was also fun. That week was fun. I remember more of her than a girl I was supposedly "going out" with at the time. I also felt more for her. I carry my love for this girl. It's never left. It has gotten lighter at one point, but never left. I have nothing to remember her by except for herself. It's hard to forget someone that you talk to all the time. I should have something soon though. The only trouble with that is explaining why I have bracelets. They could be explained by saying I got them from a friend, an ex, or a girl I just love. Only one sounds plausible. I have no idea how certain people would react to it all. The worst reaction is assumed the most likely. This is connected to the fears I carry. I don't want to lose any friends, or even one friend. I fear the ends of things, like friendships, life, and love. This girl I mentioned, I fear her getting over me. Though, this is really common in certain situations. The odd part, is that I fear I might get over her. That is the last thing I want to happen. I want to miss her so much it hurts and love her so much I cry. I have. The end of life is another listed fear. I can barely stand thinking in depth about death, it takes my sleep away. If there isn't anything after life, then what's the point of even living? Life should have a purpose, and if I'm living just to rot in the ground, then why not just get it over with? Life without purpose is like a light bulb without power. What does it do? Nothing. It just sits in it's socket, giving no light, so everyone else is left fumbling around in the dark, tripping over cords and running into walls. Just replace the light bulb though and the problem is fixed. What happens to light after it's replaced, it goes in the trash, its non-purpose served. Most of my fears end in death. Falling from heights, drowning, etc... This isn't really anything special, most people are like that. But, it is me. It is what I carry. Life. Life is what I carry everywhere. It's one of those things that mean so much to me, like friends. If I could carry my friends in my pocket, I so totally would. No matter how dirty this sounds, It'd be great to just pull someone out and go "Check it, fool! It's Michael!" It sounds fun to me anyway. It may just sound fucked up. But whatever, fucked up is fun.

Those are the things that matter most to me. Those are the things that I carry.

• What was your favorite part about this peice?
• Least favorite or most confusing part?
• What is working well?
• What needs improvement?
• What is your favorite effect or literary device used?
• Is the piece focused and clear?
• In each paragraph, verse, or sentence doing "real work?"
• Does the theme or topic evolve, or is it stagnant?
• Do you feel let down?(the paper didn't live up to your expectations?)
• do you feel like the piece is finished, or does it need more?
• What is your favorite line of the piece?

Please answer those. Peer edit me.

You had me at hello

So this girl told me to write a blog. So I guess I am.
About... I don't know. I didn't do anythign today. I just wrote a paper, and typing it up, does not sound fun. It's not finished yet either.
Sarah said that she loves Hannah more than I do.*coughs so hard blood comes out* yeah right, Sarah.
I start Drivers Ed on Monday. In the morning. I'm going to be at Kaylee's house by 5:50! To get a ride to school. For like, two months. Oh well. It could be fun. Not really. It's gonna suck.
Spring break. Two weeks from now. Concert. MCR. Going. To. Rock.
I'm stoked.
and we don't have milk. This saddens me. I want somethign to drink. I had water earlier, but it was not enough to quench my thirst.

God damn those dogs bark a lot. Dante was non-stop barking at something, Tucker just sits there in front of his food bowl growling at nothing. and then DOESN"T EAT.

We die when love is dead, it's killing me

I am supremely bored, and eating candy. I had two cans of Mountain Dew. I wish there were people here to hang with. it would be fun. I might take some pictures of me soon. Might. I need to update this more often. i just don't have anything new to write about ever.
So Today was Stephanie's last day. So Bailey was all sad and stuff. I gave her a hug before I got on the bus.
So in first period we were in groups. I was with Iris and Holly. Iris is abusive. Other than that, there was not much talking at all.
In second period we had a test. I talked to Michael about classes and such.
Third period I turned in TWO assignments! Be proud of me.
Skip fourth period and lunch.
and to fifth period, which was more eventful. We had to write letters to the exchange students who were leaving. I didn't raise my hand to write a letter, so I didn't have to write one. I just sat with Lars and Sarah and talked. Sarah was the only one supposed to write one. So I started pretending to write one with scissors. Lars was apparently bothered because it wasn't anything close to a pen shape, and put it out of reach. On the paper I had, it eventually ended up saying "Hi Sarah. I'm bored. I hope you had fun in America" It was cool. and earlier, we were hanging out before class, and talking about classes. and I wanted to take Intro Culinary Arts. Sarah took my master schedule(which I got back) and looked at it. She made a comment about me going into Pre-Calc. and Culinary Arts... she said that she should get me an apron that's pink and lacey. I suggested a lacey black so it would match her tie. She said "Because God-forbid something doesn't match" I said "Of course not, my cake wouldn't turn out right" and Lars made some comment about how he thinks it's likely that I'm gay. he even gave reasons. I don't deny it when someone asks about Michael and I, I cross my legs a lot, and stuff.
In 6th we found out that Matt sucks. Because he measured the tape wrong(it was NOT one meter) and so our data was all wrong. That was funny.
and now, Culinary Arts, I discovered, is a year long. I need a one semester class to take. Guitar or another PE class(and then be done with PE credits). I can take Guitar outside of school though. My mom was also talking about how I can take classes online. and that would be perfect. I'm on the computer all the time anyway. I still need to see my counselor.

Bring me up and tear me down.

These are the poems I wrote for English late last year. They are included in list of four best works. I only have three so far though.

What is wrong with me
I can't leave all this behind
I wish that I could
It comes back everyday now
Haunting me with it's shadows.


It's not finished yet
He's putting it together
Please wait for the end
As long I still want her
I will say I am sorry


The thought's clouding his mind
the moon eclipsed the sun

The memory slowly faded
A rock sinking in the ocean

the anger burnt inside him
a pitcher starts to overflow

(those were just exercises earlier and I don't like them as much.)


It's too much to take
It will all be gone soon now
I want you to stay


When it all come down
I will still be here for you
I will always care


The darkness consumes
en wraps all in its cold hand
separating all


So where are you now
I hope you're in pain right now
Yet I want you glad
Happy happy happiness
be glad because I love you
(last two lines courtesy of Bailey, marked red)


What would you say if
i told you my feelings for you
If only you knew
I wish I could tell you that
I love you but I am scared
Please don't be afraid
Just tell me how you really feel
We can be happy
Because I will tell you too,
I feel the same about you.



I feel horrible
I can't bring myself to ask
I'm just not able
It's not a hard task
Just a few words and it's done
I can't take this mask
I'm not having fun
What the hell is wrong with me
shoot me with a gun
I do, believe me
I guess I'm just a coward
Fill me up with glee
Just push me forward
I'm so close to telling you
I'm going toward
my dreams that involve just you
Just please tell me what to do

Kory-
Nicely done! I like it; you poems are so conflicting sounding -- is it real, or just a tone you're taking on?


I got 50/50 on this.

when I loose myself I think of you

I'm listening to Tokio Hotel. he has rad hair.

I'm pissed off now because I have to restart this whole fucking thing. Fuck.

Now, in English, he asked us to put whatever we had in our backpacks/pockets/whatever on the desk. Except random crap like papers. He then told us to put some things that a lot of people had away. Cell phones first. iPods next. Pencils. That was all it took to empty my desk. What was left was supposedly the unique things that we had that we carried with us and meant something. I had nothing. Nothing special, nothing unique. If I die, I leave nothing behind. Just a body, backpack, Zune, other junk. Nothing. Memories are what I treasure, and I don't have many. People are who I treasure. But I'm not emotionally attached to any object. Nothing has a story. The Zune has a story of my mom not trusting someone[she seems to not like to trust certain things a lot, but that is not something I'd like to get into in a public blog]. I want something of mine to be a part of me, of who I am. I fit into the crowd, it's where I'm most comfortable, and the place that sickens me the most. I don't want to stand out and be ridiculed, but I don't want to be a faceless object floating through life. Which is what I am. A masked man in a faceless crowd. and it's not even a cool mask. I don't know what it would take to get me attached to an object though.

. i miss you so much.

. i'm sorry. For everything. For every time I annoy you, for every time I make you mad, for every time I disappoint you, for every time I hurt you, for every time I don't say sorry, for every time I lie, for every time that I don't listen, for every time I wouldn't/won't let go, for every time I creep you out, for every time that I don't care, for every time I say the wrong thing, for every time I make you sad, for every time that I seem so distant, for every time I don't tell you what's wrong, for every second that I hate you, for every minute that want you dead, for every hour that want you to leave, for every day that I regret, for every year that I waste, for every time that I don't say, that I love you. That goes for everyone.

I'm sorry. I felt like doing that.


The God of the New World by *behindinfinity on deviantART
See Elizabeth? I have wings.

Hear the whispers in the dark

This is my paper. That we wrote about anything on. and his comment.


I'll write about how lame I am. I spend a lot of time filling bulletins. Don't know why, it's just fun to answer questions that you don't have a to take seriously at all. But, I absolutely love when I'm not in the happiest mood and answer a question with death [or some other weird thing]. "How do you feel about life?" and answer with "It's a fucking circle. Theres not much point. Learn so you can grow up, grow up so you can work, work so you can live, live so you can die. and by live, I mean make money, have good health, just be alive. I all goes around, nobody ever wins." Something like that. It's not like I'm always trying to do this, most of the time it just happens.
Could they be any more obvious? Lyndi's phone is fucking loud. Out of the corner of my eye I [saw] Bailey just turn and completely change how she was sitting. Do they think that no one notices? or do they just not give a shit? I have watching people text, and try so hard to hide it they make it obvious. and then the teacher doesn't notice! What is up with that!? Now my mood's ruined. Whatever. Not like it was that great in the first place. Why should I even care? I am trying to get over her just now. She's starting to bother me. I said I was done not too long ago. I wanted to know how she felt about me. Now, I just don't give a flying fuck. If she liked me, she can let me know. She hasn't, so she obviously doesn't. I actually hope we have to turn this in. It'd be great for one more person to know. This is why I don't always look happy anymore, one of the reasons at least.

Kory - Don't worry about girls, they're confusing. Live straight-up and you'll eventually meet someone else who's straight-up. P.S. I know they text, but sometimes I've gotta pick my battles.

The city is at war

So today is Tuesday. Yes. It is 6:20 as I start writing it. It'll be done in a few hours when I talk about more stuff as I remember it, and as it comes in. Like a news report. A few hours late, and then even later because you don't check it when it does appear. But it's not like a life or death thing. I have to do homework. Crap.
I need to hack Hannah's account and change her name to Elizabeth on IM. She's getting her binder to tell me what she does in Life Skills. Which sounds like a really weird class.
I was watching Battlestar Galactica. I like that show.
This morning was WASL again. That seemed FOREVER. Seriously. I sat there trying to sleep for like 2 hours and hoping that the clock was an hour behind again. It wasn't... It sucked.
So we went to 4th period after that. We watched a movie.
I forgot lunch. I ate with Michael and Lars and Sarah and some other kids.Fun time though.
5th period was Japanese. Long time in Japanese too. We are writing a letter to the future exchange students. About ourselves. That was a long time...
6th period we did some race thing, data recording. Pretty boring.
On the bus ride home, I talked to Kasandra, Kaylee and Nancy the entire time pretty much.
I'm wearing a pink shirt again, it's pretty cool.
Elizabeth wanted to know what I was like before Satori. I actually don't know how to answer it. Michael says that I cared more before. I'm not completely sure how this is.
I just checked my grades, NOT GOOD. One D, one F, and one C-. The other two are A's though.

Fuck me now, rip me off later.

Is it weird that I don't feel like the person in that picture is me?
So this is the third day in a row that I have regularly posted.
about nothing.
So today was WASL. It was pretty fricken sweet. I didn't bring a book to read, so after I finished, I sat there and tried to sleep. She started talking about something, and then I realized I was awake and shouldn't ignore everything quieter than a heartbeat. So um, that was fun. I was a little tired for a bit.
In first period, we had to research in class, we didn't get much done actually. We made dirty jokes though. Those are fun. THat was fun.
In first period, we sat around and talked. We went about the class and said who we are. Because of the autobiography thing we're going to do. and: Bailey talked to me. She told me to get some scissors, and a really weird joke. So I think I have reason to believe she's over last week. We didn't get those papers back though.
Third period was pretty boring. I did work though. I am almost done with that worksheet. Of course I still have to do the other assignments. Crap.
Now I'm off to play a game. and this includes a picture:

I'd give you my heart, and let you just hold it.

So I woke up this morning at what I believed to be 11. I am confused as to what time it actually is. Computer says it's two. IM says it's one. Elizabeth says it's one. Myspace says one. Okay so it's about to turn into three. So one=two, and two=three. Daylight savings sucks. and now I think it's going to be bright in the morning. Great. Suckzorz.
Anyway..... I took a shower this morning. So I'm clean. My hair looks funny though. I can't really tell since I can only look at it in this picture behind the computer. and it doesn't offer much detail. and it accentuates the darkness of my eyebrows. Which isn't good. Because I'm already self conscious about that and I don't want a picture agreeing with me. Or the reflection of me in the picture glass.
I need more shampoo and conditioner. I ran out of it. and so I used Kirkland Signature brand.
There is no lemon juice. I want lemon juice. Makes lemonade. I want some lemonade. It tastes good.
I think I'm in a good mood today. So far. But there isn't aything to do again. So I'll sit around doing surveys. You'd think they'd run out after a while, but they keep getting new ones around.
I've got a burning in my chest that's calling for your thighs.
I have nothing else to write.
Goodbye.

While coming back from the dead

So I have a blog now. Just because that one kid told me to. So I do.
So today, I sat in bed for a few hours, thinking, about things, that concern me, and that I like. Then got up at like, 11:30 or so. I didn't take a shower. So my mom said I smelled bad. She's so nice. A few hours later I Laid down in front of the heater for around a half hour or so. I think. But I got up, was really tired and really hot, so I laid on the couch with the cat. She left after a while. back onto the computer... then I opened this window, to set up this blog. I asked some people for ideas for a title, and a url, they may have been better than what they are, but whatever, I didn't use them. This tab was open for a long time.
There is cake on the stove. It's wrapped in tinfoil. It was pretty good.
I hate that I know that certain people will read this. So I have to edit things out. I don't think I can just, say these things without thinking about it. They may be the wrong things to say.
Emily is calling me Korilicious.
Elizabeth is looking at porn. I find this funny.
I have an eraser burn on the back of my hand. I find myself every once in a while touching it. It hurts. I don't stop.
I found a red knife this morning. I think it was red. I couldn't tell, it was dark. Or I just don't remember. It was one of those utility ones. Only one of the blades was really sharp. It seemed like you could stab someone with it.
Postsecret has new secrets.
The health teacher doesn't like hot talk, the talk that gets you even madder, or sadder. I kinda like it. Don't make me a zombie.
I like the song Deaf Ears. By The Hourly Radio. I like his voice. and how he uses it too.
I guess I'll end this. I want to end it with something cryptic. I want to end it with something that might be the last line in an episode and you're like "Whoa." or at the end of a movie, and you're left with one final line. Or like in Fight Club "Tyler, I want you to listen to me" "okay" "My eyes are open" and then he shoots himself. somethign liek that. To jsut put an odd note to it. Like, a defining line in the blog. I want that. Talking about things I want, I want to be somewhere else. You know where.