I hurt myself, just to find my purpose

I used to keep all of this a secret. Afraid of hurting someone. Not so much anymore. It's not really a secret anymore. At least 6 or 7 people know. and that person is about as hurt as she's going to get. I believe. 6 or 7 of the people that really matter anyway.
So I got Twilight, it's a pretty good book so far. Which means chapter I think 15. Yes chapter 15. It's big though, so I don't bring it to school. I just read it at home.
I just know I'll be behind in math by tomorrow though. It's 7 and I haven't done anything.
I have my four best works done and in. So far I have all the requirements I can have to graduate. Except the credits and the community service.

I wonder how long this looks...
and about the content. Is it worth reading? probably not.

I remember nothign about my day. Almost nothing. i barely remember health, I don't remember what we did in first at all, if anything. second we read... Third math, 4th a thing in the computer lab, 5th was a worksheet and a cooking stuff gamerather, 6th we did somethign with... um, what was it... I can't remember what the lab was today.

The bus was all I really remember besides a few specific moments. Megan sat next to me and we talked about things. it was quite nice. Well, comparative to what she's usually doing, it was REALLY nice. It was calm, it was serious, it was about things I cared about too. (Sarah L, I actually can talk about my feelings in person without feeling strange. I found that cool)

I can't live, I can't breathe, unless you do this with me

So this week has been pretty cool, actually. Besides the WASL, it was fun. Every time we had first period it was somewhat fun. Every time we were in English, it was fun. In math I worked on a poster thing with Heather, so I actually talked to someone. In 4th, well, that was a lame class to begin with, but I had fun with Alex and Donald and Kelsey. So it was alright. 5th, was pretty sweet. We didn't have to take that test and instead are watching a movie, and I hung out with Lars and Sarah. Except not a whole lot of talking was going on, just movie-watching. and in 6th period it was alright. I talk to Brandon and Kaylee, and now I'm talking to Jessie in that class, cuz she's pretty cool. But her knee is gross.
I don't think I got nearly enough sleep though. If Hannah wasn't keeping me up late, she kept me up long enough to be kept up talking to Sarah, who seems to want me to stay up until midnight, because every time I leave, she disagrees with my decision. But then says goodnight.
I didn't find the WASL too hard. But I only had to take it two days. Which was cool. So the other days we talked about bullying and... something else... I'm not sure what it was. I think it was pretty much the same topic. But I found it to be actually pretty cool. it was really fantastical. Prater even brought donuts. and it was great.
I'm sure drivers ed would be more fun if there were people to talk to. Or if we could actually talk... But, today, I go for a drive. In snow.
We got more snow last night, than the other time. and I think even in winter...
I think Monday was my day of feeling extremely lonely and being anti-social. Yeah, I don't recall feeling that way during the WASL. I remember answering some survey in I think health, but it could have been on the internet, about something, and feeling lonely even when there are a lot of people around, I wasn't sure what the answer would have been, but now I know that that's true. So I want to know what it was for.

If you wish it, wish it now. If you wish it, wish it loud.

I feel like I haven't updated this in forever. Which I actually haven't. I find it kind of sad that I have like, 13 entries, and then Becca has 25 and Hannah has 30 something. I have around half of those. and I had this longer than half of the time they have. I think. Let's check. Oh. Hannah has 40. Since February. I've had this since March. and she has more than 3 times the amount I have. Anyway.
Since last time, I've gone to Emily's and Sarah's. Everyone who reads this already knows how awesome it was. Except Becca. It was really, really fun. I think it was also the first time I actually went out and did something on Spring Break. It definitely was my first concert though=)
Now I have no one else to miss really. I've seen Emily and Sarah recently. So Hannah is the only one left. Fuck. I really want to see her again.
I also have her to thank. Because of her profile song, I listened to Angels and Airwaves more, and now I'm listening to A Little's Enough. It's quite nice. It is meaningful.
What else am I doing...
I'm kind of scared. I know, I shouldn't be. It'll all be fine. But there's so much time for things to change and it's the same old reasons. You're completely right about everything, it's just hard to completely change my feelings about something like that. It's better though. I'm not terrified anymore. Just a bit scared. and worrisome.

His gravestone reads: "Don't Try".

I am really bored. I got up at 9 today, unlike most other days and weekends. But, like those weekends, I sat, and I thought. I dreamed. I didn't dream about a large variety of things, just different parts of the same basic idea. The same idea as always, it never gets old.It just gets better and better. As they get better, real life gets worse. It would be great to live in the dream world. It's the only Utopia that exists. This is, of course, because it only involves you, and your dreams, your desires and your fantasies, no one else. Everyone wants something else. Some want the person that you want. But you can't share this person, no. They're yours and only yours. Be it in real life or just in this dream. In someone else's dream, they're theirs. Sure reality would eventually fall apart, but that part is obvious and just cliche and I would hate to torture someone with reading it, so that is not the focus. It's that if you dream too much, you come to expect that from reality. Eventually the real world becomes so dismal and unsatisfying compared to your dreams, that you just can't take it anymore. Personally, I would like to just go insane and have hallucinations of people. or person. Just seeing them, even if they aren't real, would be good enough. If you become so tired of real life, you may try to sleep forever. Being put in a coma could be an option for this. or suicide. A poem by Charles Bukowski says "Some suicides are never recorded." Lettuce pickers in an unknown country, the factory workers slowly choking to death on the fumes they work in are mentioned. These are the people that suffer, they can take it without going mad or disappearing. Everyone has dreams and hopes. If these people seem to have shitty lives, then what gives us reason to complain just as much about something much less? We're used to what we have, what we have isn't going to be what we want all the time, these people are used to what they have, we aren't used to what they have. But maybe they aren't used to what they have, maybe their hopes and dreams are much higher, those are the insanities and suicides that aren't recorded.
suicide and love songs. great.

let me be your hero

I used to think that I would update this a lot. After all, what else do I have to do? Nothing. I sit on here all day. Which, apparently makes for very lame and therefore irregular blogs. So Hannah gave me that creative writing prompt thing and I'm using one. What else would I write? About my day? I went driving. most exciting part of it. I can't blog about Hannah. Yes, I really, really love her, but I'm not like her in the sense that I can't make an entire blog about it. Even a short one. I'd have no idea where to begin. She says I have some way with words and make her smile and happy and everything, but really, I have NO idea what I'm doing. I usually just write random stuff. But random stuff doesn't mean lies. Just random facts. I think this is the first time I publicly said I love her. This is to say, I'm not over her. This is why, Sarah, I say it's impossible to love her more than I. Because that would be saying you want to be with her. Which I'm sure you don't actually want. I, on the other hand, do. A lot. I would say more than anything else. Because that's basically what it is. I would rather be with her than have anything else. I've expressed my feelings and worries and all that good stuff to her, so I don't see the reason to write about it. Yet I just did. So I might as well stop. or continue if I can. Which I can't. I have nothing else.

I love you more than anything else. Anything.

You know who you are*insane smiley face*
On with the blog: You know what is the dumbest thing ever? Exactly! You don't! Because you don't know what could be stupider than something, so you don't know anything stupider, so you can't provide evidence that there is indeed nothing stupider.
Something that is stupid though, is registration! We went to the computer lab 2nd period to sign up for classes. Guess the fuck what? Culinary arts was taken(The last spot was probably filled by Bailey literally less than five minutes before). Guitar was taken. So now I have Computer programming/Game Design. and a year of PE. At least I won't have to take that after next year. I should have some classes with Michael, and one with Lars, Michael AND Sarah. That should be rad.
Sarah actually bought a pink frilly apron for me to wear in Culinary Arts(which I cannot stress enough, was taken, and that fucking sucks). So I can't wear it. She said she's going to make me wear it in English>.<
So today, in Japanese, I left at one to get this weird test thing done for my eyes, I'm not sure if I did it right. Oh well. But, before, I went there, and the DOL didn't send a rep because they forgot, so I had to go back to class and come back about 20 minutes later. So I went back to class and Lars took my seat so Sarah made me sit between them. Then Sensei busted us for listening to music(which I do EVERY SINGLE DAY.) and so then i had to sit in an actual seat. I got my Zune at the end of class. So it's all good.
So, then on the bus, I didn't sit inthe back seat, like I usually do. Instead I was a few seats forward. I just sat there, I didn't move much. Megan and Robert were like, fighting, but not real fighting, just, stuff. She bit him and smacked him a lot. I don't exactly know what they were doing. Besides that, I just sat there and thought. About stuff. They were nice thoughts though.
When I got home, I found that I was locked outside. Erin was there, so when the back door was locked, and all the windows were too, I used her cell phone and called Kristen, who called dad, who eventually came home. I did some Drivers Ed stuff. I get my permit on Friday!
I'm working on that paper a bit more. A bit more information in there. Some things that I left out of it because I did NOT want to read it to anyone. Lovey-dovey sad and lonely stick you stupid slogan here.
There's something to read, baby.